The other day my husband Peter and I read the Gospel of John together. When we read a Bible text we usually talk about it; if we have seen something special, if God has spoken to us or if we have any questions about it. This time I was reminded that we have within us a fountain whose water springs up with eternal life (John 4:14). Jesus said that if you drink that water, you will never be thirsty. I exclaimed “but how do you drink that you aren’t thirsty of the source, or how do you drink at all?” Then the Holy Ghost pointed out that the source is within me, therefore I do not have to go anywhere else to drink. So the source is within me and I can drink myself to not be thirsty. I began to meditate on these truths.
Some time later, I had planned to post financial transactions for January in our non-profit organization TBC. I thought I was done when I checked the balance on one bank account. I felt satisfied and happy to be able to check off a point on my “to do list”. But then I realized that I needed to reconcile the other bank account and opened the bank on my mobile. I then discovered lots of payments and started handling them from today’s date back to the beginning of the year. Then I realized that January was not over at all and that I had a lot left to do. I started to stress and Peter wanted us to shop and asked me to hurry. I appealed for half an hour and got it, but still kept a super high pace and fought as if I ran a 100 meter race and would win. Not a marathon, where I make sure I have strength left for the long journey. I finished quickly and was able to really tick off January. But I found that I could not do more than that for the day. My powers had completely dried up. It would not be a rewarding evening. I hung out with Peter at the store, but it was barely doable. I understood that I used more than the forces I had. So now I really needed to get new ones from Christ. How do you do that then? I first did a breathing exercise and calmed down. But how could I draw new strength from God? The source is close to me, within me. I resumed the discussion with Peter. He said “it is different for all of us, how to meet with God”. I thought he was right. I usually say so myself. It’s not about technology and formulas. But it is about “deep, which cries out to deep”. Sometimes through Bible reading, sometimes in strong prayer, sometimes in inner heartfelt prayer, sometimes through tears.
In the evening when I read my daily ration in the Old Testament, I came to Isaiah 40:31 “” But they that hope in the Lord shall renew their strength … “I found it strange that I read this just then. God reminded me that I need to hope in Him. I ran to the bookshelf to read various translations of what hope means in that context. It means trusting in God, waiting upon God. Thus, to do exactly what I have been doing lately, to stand still and reflect that the Lord is God (PS 46:11). Not to think about technique, or to get every thing correct on the test to commune with God. On the contrary, realize that He is near and from the heart listen to Him. Only then did I know what to do. I also realized that it was not worth it, at the expense of using more force than I had, to get rid of the January point on the “to do the list”. But I am still extremely grateful that it led me to the realization of devoting myself to God, to fill my tanks. To draw strength from above, or simply “from within the source” of the Holy Spirit within me.
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